Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
