Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
