I wish my penis had an off switch
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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