NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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