I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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