Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
