ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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