I can tuck mytits in my pants
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize