he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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