dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
