Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
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