i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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