i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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