the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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