the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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