Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
