If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
