peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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