i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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