I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
