my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
