I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize