I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize