I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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