I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
