I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just saw a hot homeless man
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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