the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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