Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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