How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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