the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
