4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
