oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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