i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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