The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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