I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
