One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
