She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
