so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
