Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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