I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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