My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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