so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
