My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize