you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize