My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
