Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize