I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
