How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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