pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
