She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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