Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
