I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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