oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
