im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
