I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
