Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
