Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
