the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
