I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
